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14 Feb 2016

Surviving Without Cooking On A Nigerian Campus


Hmmm… Surviving Without Cooking On A Nigerian Campus…. Skimming through the topic, most probably what flashes through your mind is “How is that possible”, Of course it is very possible if you know how to manipulate your ways, but get ready to succumb to one, more or all of the following conditions :

 

How To Survive Without Cooking On A Nigerian Campus

 

Get Ready To Spend : Since you are feeling somehow too huge to lift a pot and strike a matchbox, get ready to stroll into the abode of mama put and spray some cash to get some stuffs into your ever-worried belly. This is not an easy task though, imagine you eating three times with a purchasing power, calculating it at a rate of #200 per meal if you are not a glutton affiliate, summing up to #600 per day, invariably #4,200 per week and an aggressive aggregate of #16,800 in a month!! COME! Grab a seat and sit next to me, how much is Nigeria’s minimum wage??Leave that aside, how much does it cost to set up a pure water factory somewhere at the backyard of this street?? Imagine you saving that sum for a couple of months, my guy you are already a business man. Ruminate on that. Shoutouts to those guys that do the cooking, not all of you do not have the money to spend but it’s cool to plan your future right from time.

Get Ready To Beg : You know blue blood is not running through your vein and you don’t want that pot to leave a black spot on your skin?? Then let me give you some tactics on how to survive without doing the cooking,by begging. Go to Youtube and download a couple of Basketmouth comedy videos, cram as many as possible, this might take you days to do so. Wake up and scout the person that is cooking out, walk up to him and give him a friendly handshake while you shout ” My Surest Dude! How Your Night Na”, avoid the usage of pure English so it won’t sound like you are forming phonetics, do not leave the guy’s hand after the handshake though, keep shaking him like he just won golden boot and you are to present it to him, then sharply look around for a circumstance that will befit one of the jokes in your head, throw the joke in the air and laugh hysterically as you crack it, remember, laughter at times stimulates laughter… The condition is straight, if you are a dry comedian, you cracked it at the wrong time, or your joke doesn’t seem funny , then you need another means of getting food. Else, he laughs and probably other roommates join in the process, I must say “You don hammer!”, just sit back and wait for the food to get done, then echo the statement “Guy I dey chop o”, you have a 70% chance of eating part of the food. Just note that this tactics wont last you more than five times before they get to know the kind of human being you are.
But why should you go through the whole long process of If’s and Else’s like you are writing python syntax, just for something as simple as “Eating”, it will soil your dignity for sure and very soon they will start insulting you with the punchline, they might even compose personal anthem for you, depending on the category of roomies you have in your possession.
So, get off your high horse, head to the market, get some food stuffs and COOK!!!

Get A Rich Girlfriend : Laughter flows through my pen as I hold it tightly and script down this point. It has no guarantee, but just in case, it must be mentioned but no details. When a typical girl nowadays won’t follow you for a stroll if you don’t get her something like suya to mix her saliva, then you will need to offer her the heart of Mother Theresa before you make your own offer of “Cook For Me”. She will definitely have to love you, and if you are not loveable, then this option is not meant for you, scroll to the next. This will definitely affect your dignity as well and it will hardly last long as someone close to the girl will one day mention “This your boyfriend is broke sha o, na everytime e dey chop 4 here“. Oooops! That’s not the best idea, if you already have this mentality then clear it off your mind, it’s abusive.

Let me get my pot and place some grains on fire before I write the final option, I Cook!!!... Coming...

Get Ready To Starve : Extracting what starving means, in case you don’t know, it means to suffer severely or die from hunger, to be undernourished, malnourished and to experience a concentrated feeling of near-death discomfort or weakness caused by lack of food, coupled with the desire to but nothing to eat. No simple British English can describe it comfortably, everything is huge and scary, for you to know that starving is not even a considerable option for a normal human being. You will see books and wont be unable to read as they will seem like uneatable chops, you will experience nights filled with nightmares, that’s when you will realize that all cats are gray in the dark, you will walk on the street and get shaky and dangling in the direction of the wind like a drunk monk, then you will know the effect of food on your stamina. But I think at that moment, nobody will tell you to get a pot before you do, even if there is no cooker, you might decide to place it under the hot sun, that’s when you will realize that food is the enhancer of human brain.

Conclusively, all points made but the fact remains the same and it’s obvious it’s not easy surviving without cooking on a Nigerian campus, it’s always better to do, it saves your spending and also reduce your dependency. If you don’t know how to cook, then your own case is different and should not be addressed here, contact TB Joshua or see CollegeCooking.

Shalom!!!

 


eduregard blog writer

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4 Responses

  1. Leke

    your post is quite interesting and very funny, do i have your permission to put it on my blog and give you the credit link? kindly reply via mail

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eduregard blog writer

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